Saturday, February 28, 2015

No comments

"Birthdays are for mourning, deaths are for celebrating," my brother constantly tells me.

He believes that there's no point celebrating the day you were brought into this world because it has absolutely no significance at all - it's not like we've contributed to the world positively on that very day. Similarly, he feels like deaths should be celebrated rather than mourned because we should celebrate the contributions and achievements of a person rather than being sad about a life that's lost because life will ultimately end up ending - there's no use mourning. I used to subscribe to whatever he said, including this, probably because everything that comes out of my brother's mouth somehow sounds very logical and smart.

At present, I still do believe that deaths should be celebrated - at least for me, I wouldn't like people to be crying over the loss of me and would like to have everyone to see me in a positive light one final time. It definitely would be very interesting to see, though, how much people do care about you especially if you were to disappear from the world entirely. On the other hand, I now disagree that birthdays are for mourning. I mean, why celebrate a person only when they are gone? It's so important to let someone know that they mean something to you - it might be all the person needs at that point in time. Also, if one feels uncomfortable to do something nice for a person at random, I think birthdays are the perfect opportunity to do it - it will make someone so happy and I think people, myself included, fail to realize the importance of that one day to a person, unless we are the ones being celebrated.

That being said, I do sometimes wonder what would happen if I was dead. No - I have no intention of dying or killing myself, but occasionally I do entertain the thought of experiencing the feeling of death, or more so what may come after, such as being able to have my spirit float out of my body and seeing myself lying motionless. Perhaps, most importantly, seeing how the people around me react to my death. Will anyone apart from my own family really, truly care about my absence? And if they do, how long will the void actually last? It's so frightening, the thought of that, but more so, the thought that I will never ever get the answer to my question, ever.

On that note, it has been a week since my 18th birthday and it has been an insanely tough week with me breaking down and crying a lot (though this has absolutely no relation to it being the week after my birthday) and while nothing much has changed, I do feel like I've gotten a better idea of how much I mean to some of the people in my life. In several instances it has been so disappointing, and I do feel quite dumb and shallow feeling upset for things that shouldn't even bother me and for things I have no control over, but at the same time it has made me learn to treasure the ones who invest time into friendships with me a lot more, and I find myself immensely blessed to still enjoy the company of close friends. I really do appreciate those who took time off to spend very valuable and precious time with me, to let me know that I am loved :-) Thank you to everyone who put in effort to make me feel very valued. I know I shouldn't be needing affirmation like that, and I'd like to think it's human nature but it has definitely made me feel a lot more special :-)
Read More

Goodbye, 17

Friday, February 20, 2015

No comments

At this point of time, I find myself in a very, very good place. And I'm so immensely blessed. 

The prospect of turning eighteen is scary, but the days leading up to it has been nothing short of amazing, and a lot of the things that have been happening seem to be a lot in my favour, and somehow haw been alleviating several of the fears I've been having for a long, long time. While I admit that the past month hasn't been smooth-sailing at all, with so many of my insecurities amplified, I suppose the past few days really allowed me to soul-search, with the help of encouragement from some people I've been lucky to have.

Eighteen seems to me, to be the year where I put one foot into the adult world (the other foot that completes the transition into adulthood will come in at twenty-one), where I take matters into my own hands and make decisions that would affect me for the rest of my life to a certain extent. That, in itself, sounds extremely intimidating. As someone who never knew what she was good at, who could never decide on a particular direction or path to take, being forced to consider closing doors and options is by no means an easy feat. I am still struggling, but I believe it's getting clearer and closer to me with every passing day. 

Just today, in itself, I've experienced so many epiphanies consecutively and moments where I just feel like life has taken a turn for the better. I feel so inspired and I really hope that this feeling lasts and doesn't fade as A Levels start to infiltrate every single thought and action I take. Honestly though, I feel like my perspective on life has completely changed today - even though that sounds highly exaggerated. 

I've also gained a better insight into what I would like to do when I grow up (which is really one of life's - or my - greatest concerns) and I am ever so thankful for that. All of a sudden, I am really excited for the future and all the big, great things I can reach out to accomplish with credibility that's backed by age. It is really time to experience the world without holding back anymore. 

While I am well aware that I am speaking in extremely vague language at this point, I suppose clarity comes with time. I am still in a very jumpy and excited mode from all these new discoveries about myself and the people around me and would need time to consolidate all these precious, precious fleeting thoughts. Right now, I believe I am winning at life and I am so, so, so grateful. 

It is a lovely night and I am taking things slowly. While my eyes are swollen (it's actually quite amusing, no worries), I am at peace. I have a very soothing song I've lost touch with for years (and finally found again today) playing in my ears - it is theme song of my all-time favourite Hong Kong drama and I am finally enjoying some peace and quiet amidst all the Chinese New Year visiting. Cantonese is really such a beautiful language. 

Read More

Lumière: Orientation 2015

Sunday, February 15, 2015

No comments

It's been a week since Orientation 2015 ended, it's been a month since I last posted on this space (I've really missed sharing my own personal thoughts here, and I'm finally in a better position to spend some time compiling all that's been happening) and wow, it's been a year since my own Orientation

Orientation last year for me was one of the most amazing things that happened to me, I've met some people whom I wouldn't have gotten to know otherwise and I've found really good friends in some of them. Thank you so much BW01. I'd usually deny this, but Orientation did allow for me to feel things I wouldn't have felt and it opened a door to a very lovely experience that made me jumpy, excited and warm, for the most part. And I don't think I ever found closure, till Orientation this year, and that to me was beautiful because it seems to me everything went round in a full cycle and that everything fell into place perfectly at all the right times. It's insane because I initially thought that going through Orientation again would just remind me of all the good times that I wouldn't ever get back but it turned out to be the most fitting way to fill the gap I had created for myself. 

I'd elaborate on this in another post perhaps, but for now I'd like to look back on four very wonderful days (30 January & 2,3,4 February 2015) I have enjoyed tremendously with BW12 through the use of pictures. 

When we first met our OGLings, I was a little worried because they did seem pretty quiet and there were so many administrative matters to handle and I couldn't exactly focus my energy on trying to entertain them. In addition, that day's main focus was on Station Games, and I was deployed to be a Station Master so I couldn't spend a lot of time with them. 

During Station Games, I received a text from Minxin over Whatsapp telling Adeline and myself that our OGLings were self-initiating games and that he loved them, which gave me a very timely peace of mind. 

At the end of Day 1, during debrief and clean-up (which were the two things I didn't like the most throughout Orientation), I remember feeling slightly unmotivated and fatigued and I didn't exactly know how I was going to survive another three days - three consecutive ones at that - but it came as a surprise when our OGLings took the initiative to book a table at Jai Thai as we had decided to steer away from the crowds at common OG Dinner places like Junction 8 and nex. It made me very happy and everyone was opening up a lot towards the end. 

We had a very nice and cozy dinner (I absolutely love Thai food it is my favourite!) and I remember starting to laugh a lot and showing a bit of my crazy side. We ended the night by walking to a very quiet playground situated within the nearby estate and we sat mostly in silence but by then, it was a comfortable silence, which I personally adored. It was a very nice and comforting feeling, and I knew then that I was going to love the upcoming few days. 

On Day 2, everyone was more high-spirited and energetic, I suppose after resting during the weekend and we started the day with dance! Personally for me, dance was a pretty important component in my Orientation last year and I enjoyed it very much and I honestly wanted my own OGLings to not think the batch dance as something difficult or pressurizing. I believe the key is to have fun, let go and be sporting. It was quite cute seeing them dance, and it reminded me a lot of my own and to my utmost surprise, I thought back upon my own experiences with fondness - I was incredibly proud of myself there and then. 

My OGLing Nadya also baked red velvet brownies for everyone, and it was really nice :-) Little things like this make me feel very blessed. War games was next on the Day 2 programme, but before that we had House Hour and honestly, House Hour always does a good job on converting RI and RG people who were never passionate about House to scream and play for Bayley Waddle with all their might within the span of a few minutes. It has always boggled my mind, and it still continues to do so. I did feel a strong sense of pride seeing the House Captain lead BW though. 

It was a little disappointing when War Games had to be carried out at the wet weather venues though - to me, the atmosphere was lost and also fewer people could play at once which meant that play time was cut down and there was a lot more waiting time. But the OGLings seemed to have a good time nonetheless, which is always all that really matters in the end :-) Oh, and I think this was the day Berlin came down to crash two OGs - he is really quite funny - to think they believed him. 

 Good job Large Intestines :-) (sacrificed myself to take this picture, since no one can use my camera properly anymore sigh pie why autofocus why?) 


Afterwards, we headed for dinner at J8 because we wanted them to experience the atmosphere when our entire school takes the whole sky garden but the experience fell short of my own expectations because people complained and many of us got chased away from the area. I think I got a bit angst towards the end as well when we were getting our "costumes" for O'Nite and I really shouldn't have but at that point of time, I suppose I was tired and upset from everything. 

Day 3 of Orientation started amazingly when SnD Song Comm took the stage and the OGLings went into mosh mode, which was exactly what we wanted them to do and it gave me an overwhelming sense of relief and pride and just good, positive vibes to last the day. 

We had a lot of free time to spend time as an OG though there was a task at hand - to create a video lasting around 40 seconds which will be screened at the canteen eventually and at first, it was a little tough to get ideas rolling but when we started filming, it became a very interesting and funny situation. 

I felt very happy and carefree, which was what I set out to do at the start of Orientation - to give the four days my all and not to worry about schoolwork at all. 

They are super cute :-) 
After lunch food coma, oh dear. 

And then came the second round of station games, but this time I wasn't deployed to be a station master, and I was extremely happy about that because it meant I got to spend time with my OG and it was hilarious because some of them told us how Minxin was like a military commander during the first round of station games and I got to see it with my own eyes. He would shout at them to do better, but it was actually quite motivating and it pushed them to their limits - and left me in stitches. 

I don't think I've laughed so hard before (alright maybe I have) but it was such great fun and I really enjoyed watching them play my two favourite games from Station Games - I was so glad they got Windy Soccer and the Chopsticks Badminton game because I personally enjoyed these two the most during Dry Run. 

Day 3 ended on a very calm and relaxing mood, where we ordered in pizzas and had a grand plan to sit at the track and watch the sunset as we ate. The sunset unfortunately wasn't spectacular but it was such a good idea rather than trying to squeeze with other OGs/ other people and also because we realized by then that BW12 was one that enjoyed each other's company, and that the company was all that matters. 

Pizza :-)

Couldn't capture the sunset :-( 

At this point in time, I was personally really dreading the next day because it would mean that Orientation was going to come to an end, and I absolutely didn't want that. We sat in the dark - it was so strange that the track was completely dark with no lights at all - and we shared about the first impressions we had of one another. It was cozy, and the silences we shared in between were comforting, and incredibly precious. 

Finally, we didn't want it to come but it did - the final day of Orientation, where it was all going to end. It had to end, but before we did, we were going to make sure that we had the best time of our lives, and Day 4 started with war games. Thankfully, we stuck to the dry weather plan because I think playing on the field is the only way war games should be played :-) 

Very intense 

Incredibly proud of Mel, as always :-)  

After war games, we had activities like dance, and OG Hours but soon the time came for us to prepare for O'Nite, which is always very exciting. We had bought long balloons and intended to twist them into the shapes of intestines and stick them to ourselves. I was a tad worried we'd be under-dressed or under-prepared but I think our costume turned out to be really funny and very in-line with our OG name. 

Unfortunately, I couldn't hang around with my OG for long as I had to prepare to emcee for O'Nite. It was honestly quite strange because I was paired with Cayson, whom I've actually never met before and the only time we interacted was on a Google Doc as we were working on our script together. It was very funny though, because we only ran through our script once and said "let's just wing it!" As it turned out, winging out is really not the best idea, at all. 

Although Cayson and myself weren't exactly very prepared, everyone was really hyped up to start with and it was still very fun emceeing. I was quite fatigued by then, and couldn't exactly string words properly together. O'Nite was utterly amazing though, the performers, especially Song Committee, really knew how to get everyone into the mood and the MPH felt like a club. Cayson and I had to run onstage and offstage many times to soak up the whole atmosphere - or we'd just be stuck backstage and that would take away a great deal of the fun of O'Nite. I do wish I could have spent it with my OG though, and I did feel a little awkward but it was an interesting experience. 

Large intestine hehe 

When they started doing the batch dance, both of us stood at the side beside the stage curtains before he asked me if I wanted to dance, and we did! It actually turned out to be very fun because neither of us knew the dance (nor each other) well so the entire situation was so awkward it was really amusing. Alyssa encouraged us to run out onto the stage with her at the last part of the last song and even though neither of us knew what we were doing, it was absolutely exhilarating and I've never felt this free in a long, long while. 

Being the emcee also gave me the privilege of knowing the results of Orientation before they were released and of course, Bayley Waddle won :-) I was really very excited and Minglu laughed at me afterwards, saying that the way I announced it was so biased. O'Nite was incredible. 

Thank you so much Cayson (even though you probably won't see this) for the very strange emceeing experience, honestly I was very scared before I talked to you in person because you seemed rather intimidating. Everyone else told me you were super nice though, and they were right. 

Two of my favourite constants - good job Wang and Phionna :") 

Of course, thank you Adeline and Minxin! :-) I wouldn't have survived Orientation without the two of you, you guys have been amazing people to work with. I must admit that when I first got my allocations, I was in a state of shock - I enjoyed the both of your company separately but I didn't know how the three of us would be as a team and it was just so strange because we were all from the same CCA but it turned out wonderfully. Thank you big shits, from settling on the most attention-seeking name for our OG, making the fixture till really late at night to prank calling and finally having the time of our lives despite all the fatigue, you guys are very lovely and it always makes my day seeing both of you around school.

Decor! :-) Thank you so much Leirong and Yingru, you guys are two of the most responsible and caring leaders ever. I think decor's a comm that isn't exactly the loudest but you guys have brought me so much joy and laughter - from untangling fairy lights together, to getting extra bowls of chicken rice and buying cheap bubbletea - I will never forget the time where we scrolled through people's Instagrams outside the bubbletea shop. I don't think I've felt so comfortable with a group of people so fast and it's always a happy time with y'all even though my Saturdays/ Sundays have to be sacrificed. I can't see myself in another subcomm and I'm incredibly thankful for the very smooth journey. 

Of course, thank you O'Comm, led by Sam and Gabby - hats off to you guys :-) This Orientation definitely has been a memorable one, and I'm sure all the J1s would agree with me. 

I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, I love my OGLings and I really really hope that they continue going strong the way they still are now because OGs are such a valuable group of people. 
Read More