You'll Be Fine

Sunday, January 18, 2015

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Hello you, 

Yes, you've always already expected the start of 2015 to be overwhelmingly stressful but I don't think you realized how difficult it could actually be. 

You told yourself in 2013 not to ever lend yourself to a multitude of commitments again and you stayed true to that promise for a year,  and while 2014 gave you a less-than-eventful year to walk away with, at least you had been comfortably secure. 

Now it's so scary, because you know exactly how it feels to be walking along the tightrope, on the brink of tipping over, and you knew that you did not want to be put in that position again. But you just might be, and you are completely freaked out because this year means so much to you, and you cannot afford to screw anything up. 

You told yourself - two main commitments at the start of this year, and once Orientation and Interact Camp's done and over, you'll be fine. But no, life does not work that way, there's a couple more things that popped up and they are pushing your balance. 

You grip on to the balance pole, your palms are sweating. You look over your shoulder, people seem to be walking on thick wooden planks; why was yours a thin wire? The answer is easy - everyone has a different capacity and everyone has a different ability to handle challenges - yours is just incredibly small. 

You constantly take too much and put it on your plate greedily, you just haven't learnt, haven't you? At least in 2013 you were smart, you took what you liked - you took the desserts. Now you're just taking random dishes - even the veggies. 

But maybe, while they don't make you happy, they can be very good for you. 

That's really the only thing you can hope for at this point in time - you've invested yourself into something, you jolly well do it properly. Don't let anyone down, honour your commitments, but always remember that you come first - don't let yourself down, ever. There's something at the end of the rope, it's a long way to walk yes, that I acknowledge - but you just got to and you must make it count. 

Focus. That little butterfly that just flew by? Ignore. 

Suffocating? Just try your best to breathe - you must. 

Put on your best smile, even if you feel like breaking apart. 

It'll all be worth it, just put in a bit more effort, and a bit more energy. You'll be fine. 


The upcoming week is going to be insanely tough; it's truly a test, but I know I'll get through it, for anyone can get through anything. But what matters the most is how I'm going to emerge from it. 
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Saturday, January 17, 2015

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Hello there, 

It's been a while. Yes, it's been quite a while. 

There's always a strange pull to write about things that make me feel sad because it's the easiest way out rather than facing up to the problem, but that's not healthy and as a result of doing that, I end up overlooking the things that are lovely in my life. That's particularly unwise of me, so on this 4.29am night (this is actually very rare; ever since 2015 started, I've barely stayed past midnight), where I should be doing my pile of work which I'm evidently running away from, I look back at some of the first few moments of 2015 I managed to capture on camera. 

Where we surprised Wang You extremely belatedly (sorry Wang, but better late than never, yes? :-) thank you for your patience) 

Effortlessly photogenic 

Very happy with her cake :-) 

Shermaine has gotten the hang of using the manual focus function ;-) 

And Wang You does her signature enlarged eyes look 

This photo, that came out as a result of a badly positioned self-timer shot, provided us with a lot more laughter than Sarah probably thought necessary :') 

Two of my favourite people in the world 

Someone once told me that Bellyboing (consisting of the four pictured in this post plus Phionna, Priya and Swan) is made up of incredibly special and inspiring people and I cannot agree more. They have and will always be one of the biggest blessings in my schooling journey and I am always so thankful for them. While we all have different talents and personalities, somehow I feel like each and everyone of us have very similar interests and it's so comforting to enjoy their presence and company, no matter how increasingly difficult it is to meet up nowadays. 

With that, here's Wang You's dinner that night :-) 

This was a short post but it has been therapeutic and I don't feel the weariness of a 4.29am night anymore - thinking of them has definitely given me newfound energy. Back to work! 

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Sunday, January 4, 2015

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And all the way home, hot tears welled up in my eyes as I stared out of the window. I was secretly glad the public bus was near empty - no one paid any attention to me as I allowed myself to cry as I scrolled through my playlist and selected the most heart-wrenching of songs. I took notice of the lyrics more than I usually did and they resonated with me more than they usually did.

I've always wondered why, for the past two months or so, I never properly cried or didn't bring myself to cry. It always felt like everything was bottled up within me but yet I couldn't release all that I was feeling. But there and then, the faucet that controlled my tears lost its handle - everything was released. I looked around to make sure that no one was looking - no one was. And so I didn't hold it back, apart from muting it. Did it make me feel any better? Perhaps, but not really. Did it make me more confused? Yes, it sure did. 

What even triggered this? Your presence maybe. But that'd be too small a trigger and if that really was the case, I'd be terrified of school reopening tomorrow. As much as I refuse to admit this, what really crushed me was the fact that you still trust me after everything. It scared me, to realize you still valued whatever I might have thought, and it scared me, to realize that you still understood me without any verbal communication. It was a brief second but that was the only thing that stayed with me throughout the entire day. And it's so scary how something so small as that could turn me into a mess. If the same scene played out in another situation, I might have melted but this time I was crushed into bits and pieces, knowing that something quite magical has been lost, but yet hating the little leftover specks of magic that continued to stay with us because it is but a bitter reminder of everything that could have been. 

The moment I reached home, face flushed and eyes swollen, and panicking because I never had such a huge wave of emotion engulf me so suddenly in this way when I least expected it, I sought the advice of the only person who is able to knock sense in me when my head is fuzzy. I didn't get an immediate reply, which gave me time to think things through myself. I couldn't receive the call when it came eventually and settled for text therapy but in a desperate attempt to push away everything, as I always did, I proclaimed that "I'd rather cry, there's a limit to my tears anyway". 

For which I got the response, "but there is no limit to your hurt and the regret you feel". '

He was right. Indeed, that's very wise. (As much as I hate to admit it, thank you so much.) Exactly what I needed to hear, but yet not enough for me to act upon it. I have used up all my guts for every little minute moment of "courage", for things no one even needed to hear. I have spun stories I've grown to believe in myself and it was all so frightening because I didn't know what to think anymore. 

And what really struck me the most was how much I was still affected by this entire situation. It's already been quite some time, and I never thought recovery was so time-consuming. Does time really heal everything? So I've told people, "oh when the year starts, I'll just put everything behind me" - easier said than done. Much, much, much easier said than done. I'm starting to believe that time does nothing to one's emotions. 

That very day, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, clicking on the various articles from shady websites that my "friends" share. As much as many deem them shallow, I have a particular liking for articles relating to relationships from sources such as Thought Catalogue and Elite Daily. Not everything they publish are relevant or "right" in many senses but there are some with points that draw me in and resonate very strongly with me. I stumbled upon one in my fragile state. 

"You're beginning to realize the opposite of love isn't hate, but rather, it's indifference."

"Hate and love are very similar. When you say "Ugh, I hate you so much," it's not what you mean at all." 

Hate, I've used this word a couple of times in jest. I know I don't exactly mean it, but at the same time it does give me a sense of satisfaction using that word when describing my feelings towards a person. It makes me feel powerful to think that I was in a position where I could "hate" another person. It makes me feel like I'm over everything and the only emotion I feel is one of "hate" - not the nicest of emotions, but it beats appearing weak and pathetic. But yes, "hate" is perhaps my own way of shielding my own emotions, it's a way of masking what I really feel in the harshest way possible, so that no one doubts me when really, it just shows how much I care, so much so that I'm experiencing something right on the end of the spectrum. 

What I should've been aiming for wasn't to hate, but rather to be indifferent, but that's even more challenging. And that really sucks. I am once again at a loss and I honestly don't think anyone else can help me apart from myself. 


In other news though, school starts tomorrow and I am actually quite excited to get back into routine, and to be motivated to study again. I have wallowed in enough self-pity to last me for the rest of the year. Now it's time to master the art of indifference and to not make the same mistakes as I did last year. 
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Hello 2015

Saturday, January 3, 2015

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my first photo of 2015 :-) 

For the past few years, I've always written my end of year post way before the last day of the year and would sit in front of the computer, pressing the "publish" button only at the stroke of midnight in the New Year, as if someone would be sitting on the other side of another computer, just anticipating my end of year post. Well, what was I thinking, truly? Did posting these posts really help to conclude my year properly? It seems the case, considering this year I don't have one and I still don't feel like 2014 has ended at all.

But perhaps it isn't the post that allows me to put the full stop on my year's journey but rather it's that whenever my year ends with a nice closure, I'd feel more compelled to craft a closing post. Usually, I go by the likes of thanking the people who've been by my side all this while, or doing a short summary of memorable events that have occurred or just a quick word of how the year has gone by. It's already the third of January and I don't have one up. It isn't even that I didn't try, I have been looking at the blank draft for at least a month before the last day of 2014 but somehow, I couldn't put all that I was feeling down into words and it didn't seem very right attempting to close the year or show gratitude to the people around me through mere writing. 

It just feels so different this time, not necessarily in a bad way either. For one, in the most tangible of senses, my annual tradition of counting down did not take place for various reasons and I ended up having to rest very early into the last night of the year, and slept through all the festivities. It just seems a bit strange counting down to something I wouldn't have been prepared for and sleeping did not cause me any stress of thinking about crafting New Year messages to various people. I woke up at 5.30am to my phone filled with the people who matter and it felt nice to be on the receiving end, and I am thankful and blessed as always. I say this all the time till it doesn't sound very sincere, but at the same time I don't think I say it often enough, or rather, believe in it myself. But I am, I truly am. 

And in all honesty, I am running away from things that have occurred in 2014 that I have yet to come to terms with, that I have yet to settle, that still continue to bother me. That's exactly why I refuse to put a close to the year and bid it farewell. I have people to thank that I am not in a position to thank anymore. It's frustrating, but while all these things linger, life is really just a cycle. It continues. Years are but numbers, numerical values that barely mean anything - everything that goes around comes around, there really isn't a concrete stop to things concerning relationships, of emotions, of people. We continue to work on them, and we continue to improve ourselves. And this really brings me back to the first post I wrote of 2014 because it has similar notions. I guess some things never change. 

With that, I'm leaving 2014 open. I'm choosing not to close it as a chapter because there are pages that are still left unwritten. But it isn't going to stop me from welcoming 2015 with open arms, because I'm continuing my chapter from there. And I am excited. 

I really am :-) 
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