Sunday, April 27, 2014

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Chope, c:hope, hope - this tissue paper packet I'm holding up is in support of the Singapore Cancer Society and I suppose this photograph is quite apt in summing up the past week. All photos in this post do not belong to me - credits go to all the relevant photographers!

Week 5 of term 2 has been an insane one, by far one of the most jam packed weeks though I wouldn't say that it was a bad week, because it really wasn't. Even though the work load was quite intense, with lit term paper, SEA hist term paper (supposedly), PI all due, on top of all the tutorials, it was quite fulfilling and things have been looking up. It hasn't been looking up in a tangible way but I suppose I've been taking active steps in making things happen and that makes me genuinely happy. 

To sum up my week, on Wednesday I had Interact GM, Sunlove service afterwards (which I really enjoyed!), and ended off the day with Limelight - Raffles Voices & Raffles Chorale at night :-)

The Sunlove service group after service on Wednesday! :-) Fun fact: I reunited with my Parry Primary School classmate Kevin - I suspected it was him in Interact for a while now but I only got to ask him about it that day; unfortunately he doesn't really remember me very well which is understandable since Parry was our first primary school and we are less inclined to have deep memories of the school as all of us went separate ways after the school closed down (yes, it did - I don't think I've told anyone about my first primary school before) 

Anyway, Wednesday was extremely tiring but I felt really at peace afterwards especially after everything the previous week because somehow I knew that I did my best and whatever the outcome, I'd be fully okay with it. Hope only comes with the right mindset, really. The night ended with melodious voices from my talented schoolmates and it felt refreshing going to Esplanade again - it's been pretty long since I've been there and I really like that place :-)  

Thursday started out amazingly with a reunion with my fellow PB mates - we had representatives from Fiducia, Fiammetta and even Foveo (yes even though JC consists of two batches) because we had (Ms) Amanda Choo join us! We sung in a circle and unapologetically sung dearly missed board songs at the top of our voices - okay maybe not at the top - but it sure did feel wonderful. Thank you PB - I remember how I used to spend all my mornings back in RG sleeping/ talking/ singing with you guys in the PB room and I've missed those fond times. 

After school, Meixian and myself, together with Jinglong and Yeeting headed to the National Museum of Singapore to accompany the elderly from Sunlove for a little outing to check out the exhibition and personally, it was rather heartbreaking for me but I won't be talking about it here - the outing as a whole though, was quite successful and I'm glad I volunteered to go down for it even though my Project Work PI was due the next day and I have yet to touch it after the consultation with my teacher. I'm glad I managed to complete it though and submitted it the next day :-) 

Friday wasn't very eventful but on Saturday we had Youth Got Heart 2014, an annual service roadshow organized by Raffles Interact featuring many VWOs and performances and it was basically a pretty fun and exciting day, even though we were on our feet for the most part so that was tiring :-( But I managed to talk to many new people, even from Interact itself and I'm very happy. 

With one of my favourite girls ever - thank you so much for everything Shermaine, you have honestly been such a blessing ever since I got to know you properly in Year Three :')

Meixian, Shermaine & myself in front of the booth I was in charge of - the Dyslexia Association of Singapore! Meixian is someone I really got to know properly only recently even though we've been acquaintances since Year One (through Gillian) and even PB batchmates :-) 

With Vishnu & Megan - the three of us were in charge of the DAS booth together and I think I got to know them a lot better - especially Vishnu whom I met during a Philosophy COI exam last year (it's really hilarious). 

After Youth Got Heart, I headed to Bishan to meet Chris for dinner because we were going to head back to RGS to attend the Girl Guides Annual Assembly 2014, one of the biggest events of the Guiding year to support our juniors - unfortunately our batch was too fast and quick for us and by the time we got to Orchard, they told us to "meet at RGS" - hashtag heartbroken :-( 

Plus point of eating separately from 13atch (oh dear it's been ages since I've typed that :')) - our joint favourite cake hehe but where we buy it from shall remain a secret because we don't want to share good stuff! 

Taking the walk from Far East to the bus stop feels so... foreign :-( 

And with the structure! :-) This year's banner is really pretty - unfortunately I didn't see a lot of decorations around school apart from the structure so that was a bit disappointing for me because I remember being in decor comm as a Year 2 and putting in so much effort for it. 

The performance was good though, and I think this year has one of the best and most enthusiastic crowds ever during an AA - that's definitely one of the bonuses and I enjoyed myself a lot. I think the Year Four batch's dedication during their dance was really cute - they did their Year One dance again - especially since most of their Year Four seniors (2 years our senior) came back as well. 

I had such a good time with 13atch as well :-) 

Much love 

Of course, with 02 Ixora! :-) Good job guys you guys did amazingly, especially Tricia & Rachel - y'all were really cute on stage and I do hope I get to watch the next few AAs where the rest of you shine in your own ways as well. Hopefully all of you are doing well, and it was very nice seeing you guys again. 

Ending off with an 02 Ixora polaroid :-)

My day ended extremely late and I only got home at around midnight but I'm so glad for the day and this whole week in general, I have been blessed and no matter what happens in the near future, I know that everything happens for a reason. Thank you everyone for making this week possible and I hope that every week from now onwards can be as fulfilling as this one was. 
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Cardboard Castles

Saturday, April 19, 2014

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"This life's our greatest project
The journey's all an art

But I built my perfect nest, and it's 'bout to fall apart
Again and again and then I just make it twice as high

And I give my tower teeth, and I watch it bite the sky
Because I might just cry if I don't keep it moving

I focus on what I can make and not what just got ruined."

Thank you Watsky for writing and making music that inspires me to no end. Somehow, this song doesn't get old at all and it's just amazing, especially when one is down and out, such like how I am at the moment. But this song has definitely lifted my spirits. 

To everyone reading this, please do give this song a go and actually pay attention to the lyrics because they are bloody wonderful. 

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Sunday, April 13, 2014

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anxiety or fear that something bad or unpleasant will happen.
"she felt sick with apprehension"

It scares me, how we are our own and only creators of our future? I don't think it makes much sense to expect a seventeen year old to make decisions that will definitely make up a huge part in how the rest of her life will play out to be like. 

And I'm terrible at making such decisions. Somehow, JC is a lot different from secondary school. There's no such thing as "trying" out anymore - no more testing of waters, nothing of that sort. It's all or nothing. You either do it or you don't. I mean, come on, it's only two years - what was I thinking? Did I really think I could possibly take two years to find myself and expect everyone to make concessions for me to try things out? Everyone around me already knows what they want and what they're heading towards and I can tell that they are making conscious efforts towards their goals. Not I. I don't know anything and I don't know what I want for myself. 

I constantly still question myself if I've let the opportunity slip away, deciding so early to pass up something I would possibly feel the most comfortable in, and the only thing I actually felt good at doing. I'm so afraid that because of this void, I end up making a decision impulsively. 

I really want to find the same sense of fulfilment I did in RGS here in JC and I'm really scared I end up losing these two years doing nothing really worth mentioning. It's really only when we leave do we realize how much we've gained from the place and how much everything was so.. comfortable and protected, yet provided an environment which we could truly grow. Is JC really just about A levels? Somehow, I have faith that it isn't but at the same time I feel like there's a need to place that of utmost importance in my list of priorities. 

But while I don't know how to make decisions, I know myself best. I know I'm someone who won't be able to sit still for nuts. I truly need somewhere where I'd be able to put my energy to the best of use and that place really isn't on my academic work. Oh, please, please, please let this be the right decision and please allow me to give my best no matter the outcome. This is what I've chosen, what I'll be choosing and what I'll be putting in effort in. 

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The Past Week

Saturday, April 12, 2014

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Hello friends :-) 

Exactly a week ago, I had all these crazy thoughts and emotions and I wasn't feeling my best. Everything was just so overwhelming, but thank you to everyone who have asked me how I was, especially since my last blog post and I'm so grateful for all of you. It's really amazing, the amount of love I've received the past week. 

But through it all - I've learnt something. When things are down in the dumps, it can only get better but it honestly takes effort on your part to make things right. Things got a lot better this past week even though I expected it to be terrible but I had to make a conscious effort to do things that would make myself happy and majority of it involved food, being alone and being in the company of people who mean a lot to me. Disclaimer: I do not always eat like that and I do not promote binge eating but food was a major part of my happiness this week. Here's how food made me happy :-) 

Exactly a week ago: 
On Saturday after a Habitat for Humanity meeting at Toa Payoh, I really needed a break, especially since most of my "troubles" would be surfaced when hanging out with the H4H people (not that the problems stem from them or the project) and from Serangoon MRT, instead of taking a 20 minute bus ride home, I decided to take a nice, long slow walk back alone to reflect and consolidate my thoughts. On the way, I stopped by Artease, a café I always wanted to try out but never did. I got myself a salted caramel (ahh my favourite flavour in the world) milk tea & an apple crumble and I basically just had a lot of alone time in a lovely atmosphere with really good music selection, which was definitely beneficial. 

Also, I realized how amazing it is to take a long relaxing stroll, especially if the weather is good and your bag isn't very heavy. The places which I normally just zoom pass when I'm on the bus appear so much more real and life seems less fast paced than it normally is, which is always a good thing. Sometimes, we'd all just need to pause for a moment and smell the flowers. 

Four days ago: 
Tuesdays are usually my shittiest days because of the terrible timetable but somehow it was a good day, because the lessons I'd feel the most pressurized in were cancelled and in exchange we had a lot of free time. Also, because I knew I had something to look forward to at the end of the day - an ice cream date with Hui Ying, my favourite green friend! :') We actually intended to go for Ben & Jerry's free cone day but decided against it because we were both too lazy to travel and queue. In the end, we just headed to Upper Thomson's Salted Caramel, my favourite ice cream parlour. 

So I had salted caramel ice cream (oooh do you notice a trend here) with a waffle and she had chocolate sorbet and we had a lovely, long catchup session over ice cream. Being with Hui Ying is always refreshing because she never fails to remind me of the reasons why I made certain decisions in the first place and she just talks so much sense into me so thank you friend, you are wonderful. I wouldn't know what I'd do without you. Also, it's really funny how every year I'll plan to go for B & J's free cone day with one other person from Channel 5 but we'll end up being unsuccessful at going, for some weird reason or another. 

Three days ago: 
So on Wednesday I was again overwhelmed by emotions to make certain decisions and from experience, I knew I had to take a break from social interaction so I got myself a caramel macchiato (#typicalwhitegirl) and planned to take a walk home from Serangoon MRT once again but I got a little tired by the fourth bus stop and ended up taking a bus back for the rest of the journey. 

The caramel macchiato (yes, by now you should know that caramel is one of my favourite things in the whole world) wasn't that nice and I wouldn't purchase it again but I'm just thankful I got a bit of alone time even during a really busy week. 

To be entirely honest, by Wednesday I was already overcome with fatigue and though I managed to find time to eat all sorts of caramel-related things, sleeping at 3am has been the norm the past week and I was surviving everyday with around two hours of sleep. Thursday was a terrible terrible day all around, and I'm just so bloody grateful that I survived it and finished my History Term Paper in the end. 

 Despite everything, I managed to end my school week on an extremely high note, and I can't express how blessed and fortunate I feel to have had a wonderful Friday. Christina and I had a much-needed very belated catch up session and I can't believe how long we've not talked to each other for? Goodness gracious, I am so un-updated about her life that it pains me. We headed to Maki-San at Cathay! It's been ages since I visited town after school (sigh in the past when we were in RG it was so common) and it felt so refreshing. 

To those who don't know, Maki San's is this really ingenious concept where people buy maki rolls that they customize themselves (sort of like Subway, but sushi version) and it comes in these really adorable cardboard boxes. The entire shop is a fantastic marketing strategy but it got us really excited and happy :') It was hilarious because we looked around and realized that the customers are all teenage girls - people that'll fall prey to anything pretty and cute. 

CHRIS - I've missed you so much! 

Ma maki and I! 

The maki rolls weren't that good to be honest especially the seaweed because it wasn't crisp and I could barely even bite it but it think it's very nice how we get to pick the ingredients ourselves and everything inside would suit our own palates. Okay actually it wasn't that bad - the insides were good and I have no idea why but I have a feeling I would come back again. 

We got someone to help us take polaroids with the super cute unagi picture on the wall :') And omg Christina's little twin stars polaroids are the bomb. 

Outside Cathay, they were giving out free Starbucks samples - the same caramel macchiato I drank three days ago! It's official, every day of the past week that I feature in this blog post contains a caramel - flavoured item. Anyway, the two of us were very happy because we got free drinks and this just started our sampling journey that day. 

We headed to ion afterwards and sampled Awfully Chocolate cakes! We wanted to sample Twelve Cupcakes because they were also giving out samples that day but I backed out HAHA - it was really strange though, how all these shops were suddenly giving out samples when they normally didn't. Every day I spend with Chris is a Get Fat Day - and I love it. We decided to get dessert, which was a photo unworthy Matcha crepe cake from the Ion Food Hall. Neither of us were impressed by the looks of it and I think we were a tad disappointed at its appearance but when we had the first bite, we both fell in love (not with each other, but with the cake). It is so good and we headed back to school with happy tummies and great company. 

Thank you Chris, for the lovely Friday :') 

In a nutshell, this past week I was immensely blessed with good food and good people (at least, I am trying to see the goodness in everything - there was undoubtedly busy and stressful periods, this week especially) but I must admit that I am worn out. Sleeping at 3am daily isn't something I should do often, and I ended up sleeping for 16 hours after I came home on Friday but at least I am now recharged and ready for what's ahead! Have a great weekend, everyone.
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Sunday, April 6, 2014

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Smile, they said. Laugh, they said. It means that you're happy.

It means that you're happy? More like it shows that you're happy.

There is a stark contrast between the two but yet the line has been blurred. Blurry like her vision when she's not wearing her glasses, just that when this lack of clarity is within herself and not something a mere tangible action is able to fix, it is a lot more worrying. A lot more worrying. And somehow this feeling seems to be occurring in every single aspect of her life.

It scares her.

That being said, showing and feeling happiness are two extremely different concepts but it's so difficult for her to tell anymore.

The funny thing is that, she's not even trying to differentiate this for anyone else.

I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. So, she keeps saying that, whilst laughing. It's so believable - people around her believe it and honestly it's rather enjoyable how positive energy somehow spreads this way. It's so believable - even she believes it to the point that she is unable to tell how she truly feels from how she wants people to think she's feeling.

Perhaps she's been putting on a show, wearing a mask for way, way, way too long. It has stuck onto her and she's become an actresses so good at her craft that is unable to tell a performance from reality. She looks forward to a breaking point, a breaking point where she just lets everything out - because only then will she know what's real and what's not.

But for the time being, perhaps just perhaps, a smile or a hearty laugh wouldn't hurt right? Or will it? She truly doesn't know. She just has to wait and see.
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