Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I bumped into her today, a friend I never really got to know properly and never really said anything more than a "hello" and a "goodbye", and perhaps a bit of small talk in between.

It's been very long since I was alone on the top of an old public double-decker bus - nowadays, I'd choose the quicker and a lot more suffocating option of the MRT. Buses used to be a staple in my daily life, taking 132 home with the best company in the world and at times where I find myself in solitude, I'd get lost in my own thoughts, and I remember myself writing lousy but the most honest poetry on a lousy tablet computer my dad got for cheap, looking out of the window watching faster vehicles zip by. Today, I hopped on one and started writing, as honestly as I could, just as I used to. 

There was no use pretending, though I still subconsciously censored so much of my own thoughts - I just couldn't bear to put certain realities down onto cold, hard writing, choosing to portray a better version of what it really is. 

This is by far the most truthful portion out of the five short paragraphs I wrote then and yet I have chosen to tone down reality with abstract phrases and no detail. Here is is nonetheless, in its raw, unedited motion-sickness form; 

I'm so blinded by fantasy that it is a legitimate struggle when it comes to pulling away. I know I will eventually be successful at distancing myself but I have absolutely no idea when that would happen and more importantly, if I'll overcome everything without hurting myself too much. As my mum said, I wouldn't want to fall in love with something, or someone I'd eventually come to be irritated by. And neither do I want anyone to be superficially attracted to me, nothing good will come out from that. 

I named the title of the note in my phone where I typed it "Infatuation" - short lived passion. While it did not fully reflect my thoughts exactly, it was the best I could muster at that point in time and I pride myself for having the courage to come to terms with myself and to do that. 

The moment I stepped out of the air-conditioned bus, my pair of spectacles broke at one of the strangest places - the lens probably expanded more quickly than the frame when it got into contact with the warmer air outside. And yes, it's that blue/ green pair I'm seen almost everywhere with - it's time to put it away. Surprisingly, I didn't feel any negative emotion - it felt liberating even. 

I spent the rest of the day doing what I loved to do best - baking. 

With grease on my fingers, I stole a glance at my phone and saw that she had texted me. It was surprising to say the least but I didn't read it just yet, and headed to take a nice, long shower to rid myself from the oils of the kitchen. 

We talked, and I was so, so, so glad for it. Sometimes, timing is amazing and I felt so liberated. While everything was shocking and at first it did hit me quite hard - in fact it still does and I am prepared to self-heal, no matter how long it may take - it felt like a blessing right from the start of the conversation and if blessings wore disguises, this one sure did put on a great, big effective mask. The conflict I was going through, the reason why I was writing and thinking so much on the bus this fateful day, everything that has paralyzed my rational mind recently; somehow they all fell into place and the pieces that mattered solved itself. While the other part of me started breaking and falling apart, instead of leaving me with a chasm that I wouldn't have been able to fill, it felt more like the shedding of dead skin, akin to the mealworms we were forced to take care of as little primary school children. 


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