Monday, December 19, 2011

not knowing who you really are, pretending, and trying to fit in. 

I'm so sorry for not updating for quite some time. For real-time updates (not like my life's extremely interesting, but y'know I feel quite bad when I don't update here), feel free to follow my twitter @yupjuju /shameless advertising/

Truth be told, I've been thinking.
Going through some tough times and I'm being really difficult with myself. 

Four days ago, on the 15th of December, in the evening, I was in a mess. A really terrible, absolutely disastrous state. I was suffering from an Identity Crisis. I still am, in fact, but my emotions right now are more or less controlled and I probably won't burst into random fits of tears like I did that night. 

I came home from a long day in school - had PB AGM (which was quite fulfilling actually, but perhaps a bit too overwhelming which built up to my breakdown - it's not the cause though, may I add) and when I got home, I was welcomed by an empty home. At that point in time, I just felt really empty as well, I mean, I was tired and I was looking forward to coming home to a nice warm dinner. But there was nothing. Greeted by an empty home most definitely isn't the best feeling in the world. I guess I felt neglected.

It was utterly selfish of me to think that way because my mum quit her job when I was younger to take care of me herself and it was only when I grew up and slowly gained independence did she get back to what she loved to do, gradually as well. My dad has always fulfilled the duties of a father and I couldn't ask for more. However, that day, I just felt ridiculously angry and lonely. But being the relatively good daughter that I was, I started cooking dinner because for one, I was hungry and it was getting quite late. It wasn't my duty though. 

Bad decision. When I started cooking, I felt even more pathetic and so miserable. I had no idea why but I got into a really grumpy and frustrated mood and tears flowing down from my eyes. My life felt meaningless. When my parents came home, dinner was ready but their daughter was practically shouting at them. (For that, I truly apologize, I do.) What got into me, I really do not know but that night, I reflected about my life and felt that it was rather directionless, I really didn't know what my ultimate goal/purpose was and well, I felt empty. Really empty

Who am I, really? Am I trying to be someone else? I really did not know. I felt so miserable when I couldn't find answers that night. I actually debated committing suicide but that was definitely too extreme - I knew I couldn't and don't worry, I will never do that, no matter what happens. My mum came into my room and she was just really so worried about me. I totally just brushed her off because I felt so ridiculous and lost, I didn't know how to explain what I was going through at that time to her. I still find it difficult to explain what I was feeling but this website summed most of it up (: 

I'm feeling much better now and everything. My mum was so worried for my well being that she actually quickly planned a short getaway by booking a room at Swissôtel The Stamford during the weekends so that I could take my head away from all the stress and crap of my daily life - didn't check my email for those two days which felt like heaven. Went for shopping therapy (plus last minute Christmas shopping!) at the shopping malls near Swissôtel, namely Raffles City and Suntec. The view from the hotel was amazing. Slept on the bed next to the balcony and I starred at the sky and stars above Singapore's city lights throughout the night. It felt so relaxing and perfect to reflect. 

yes, this is actually taken by me! the view was really beautiful - you can see the singapore flyer and the esplanade and MBS and all that! these are the things that make me #proudtobeasingaporean

The only complain I have is the food at the restaurants there. They were definitely below expectations, especially for such a hotel. 

After attempting to getaway from reality to think about  my future, I still haven't figured out the path and direction of my life but as I'm trying to find out, I'm just gonna live my life to the fullest and do my best in everything I do (I know it sounds extremely cheesy but it's true. That's the best I can do). I really hope to mature out from this Identity Crisis soon, with answers, of course!

By the way, the recent spate of unfortunate MRT incidents really put Singapore in quite a bad light, I'm rather disappointed & I can't imagine the impression we have given to the tourists that witnessed the bad handling of matters but I feel that Singaporeans should really be patient with the operators because everyone are humans, and aren't perfect so making mistakes is something not unexpected. 

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