1.07am Musings

Saturday, October 25, 2014

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I think one of the best, or probably the best feeling in the world is to be at peace with yourself. To me, the idea of being contended and completely and wholly satisfied with one's position in one's life at a certain point of time is extremely attractive. It brings about a certain calmness and I don't think 'happiness' is suffice to describe such a feeling, the word 'zen' may present the emotion more accurately.

Instead of seeking happiness all the time, which can be a little tiring, I think that finding oneself and being at peace from within is a lot simpler to do and it's more reflective. Rather than chasing something external, whether it's an experience or a person or a material good for happiness, perhaps it's a lot more therapeutic to search from within. I've definitely experienced moments like these before and I am thankful for those - now is definitely not a period like that but I am trying, and I am typing, and I am attempting to help myself and those around me as well.

It has just occurred to me in the midst of writing the above two paragraphs, that the main difference between happiness and being at peace would be that one is external and the other internal. Isn't it strange, how happiness is more often brought about by a kind act done by another person, or perhaps a new experience that one experiences externally, which brings about a certain sense of joy. Being at peace, on the other hand, doesn't require for any new event to occur but rather it is about making use of the thoughts and memories that we already have within ourselves, re-visiting them and reflecting upon them, before coming to conclusions or realizations such as new things we've learnt and mindsets that we could come to adopt through actively engaging oneself with the prospect of being at peace. I happen to think that that's amazing.

At this point of time, I am not at peace, and while it is not making me exceptionally unhappy or any other unpleasant emotions, it is making me feel slightly uncomfortable and not being completely ignorant of "what could have been" scenarios isn't helping anything either. I consider myself to have a wild imagination and that does not stop me from overthinking and creating a whole ton of stories in my own head that plays out either very well (and me knowing that that will never happen in reality) or very nastily (and me knowing that that could possibly happen in reality).

I would love to be at peace with myself, but that would take a lot of internalizing and coming to terms with things. Somehow, at where I am now, it seems like I'll have to actively seek to correct certain things in my life as well as to be a pillar of support for some of the people around me, which goes against the "being at peace" definition I have given earlier, about everything being an internal struggle. Then again, which component in life was ever straightforward and clear-cut and could simply be defined by one defintion? I don't think anything really is, but that's for me to figure out myself.

I started writing this at 12.54am, and here I am 13 minutes later (yes it really is 1.07am now) with a chunk of words, in its raw, incoherent form but I am feeling slightly better. Baby steps, baby steps. If I can believe, it can happen.

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