Of Goodbyes

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Somehow, right now I find it incredibly difficult to put my thought processes into proper, coherent sentences. My mind feels unusually heavy and there's a strange sinking feeling in my stomach. It doesn't feel like sadness though, it feels a bit like nothingness but that nothingness somehow doesn't feel like a void - it isn't empty - I am feeling something, and it's of nothingness. Nothing feels real, but I'll do my best to write what'd come after this because it is awfully important to me.

Today, we sent Swan off to California at the airport. About an hour before sending her off, Wang You and I met at Terminal 3 and had breakfast of toast, soft boiled eggs and tea, served in little quaint old school coffee shop cups. Wang You mistook the saucer of the tea cup for another plate and stacked the plate of soft boiled eggs on top of the tea cup saucer. We laughed, or at least I laughed at her, and at that point in time it was evident that none of us have taken in the fact that one of our closest friends was about to leave and lead an entire new life far, far away from us. Perhaps, it's because we don't see each other in school that often nowadays anyway and we don't spend as much time together - and this applies to all of them: Wang herself, Priya, Phionna, Sarah and Shermaine - if this happened last year, Swan's absence would most likely have been felt on a greater extent. While I trust that we'll still keep in contact with Swan, it'll never be the same anymore; it's already so difficult for all seven of us to come together, in fact I don't think we've had a gathering with full attendance since my birthday, much less with one who is eight thousand, six hundred and ten miles away from the rest of us.

At the beginning, we took photos, we laughed, it seemed all too normal, it seemed like a normal gathering and deep down I was quite concerned if I will ever feel anything, whether it'd ever hit me. Swan then said "guys, I really need to go now" and then it did. I started tearing up, and was the first one to do so, followed by Wang You. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I forced myself to cry, rather than something natural from within me. I know it sounds really horrible and fake - because I wasn't really thinking about the future without Swan's company but rather I just kept thinking about the past memories I've shared with Swan and I felt like I was thinking about those times to subject myself to sadness, to convince myself to think that I'd never be able to experience most of those things again. I will miss Swan, and there's no doubt about that but I don't think that fact has sunk in fully yet still at this point of time and I don't think I deserved to cry just now for whatever feelings I was feeling, which wasn't a lot. At least, I don't think it was necessary for me to brawl and that sounds a little strange but it's true.

While waiting for the MRT at Changi Airport, to take us back to lead our own lives again, I saw a plush toy duck sitting behind the glass of the control station and I started crying again because I felt like the duck didn't receive the love and hugs and kisses as a stuffed duck should be getting. I must have scared the company I was with a little bit - because a few hours later I received a message from someone who witnessed my insanity over the inanimate object. He sent me a photo of a duck to cheer me up. I feel like this all just proved that I was definitely confused, and emotionally very unstable at that point in time. For what reason? For Swan I'd like to think, but I don't really know myself.

And then, on the way home when I was alone, I started thinking. Planned goodbyes are those that makes one truly reflect about one's friendship/ relationship with a particular person and planned goodbyes make everything dramatic.  It makes one feel obliged to show a certain form of sadness and to be honest, to me that's not very natural. On the other hand, I don't think it's wrong to not display sadness or feel anything on occasions like these because it's really simply physical manifestation of the friendship that could eventually/ possibly fade away but at that point of time when "goodbye" was said, the friendship has yet to fade and no sadness is really needed, which is exactly why I am doubting my motivations for shedding a tear.

Perhaps, the only goodbyes that should be sad are those that are not acknowledged. I should be feeling immense despair for friendships that have faded away slowly because of my inaction, I should be weeping for the people that have walked out of my life through the years because neither of us did anything to stop it, I should be crying when I think of great friends that have become merely acquaintances, or even strangers. As for Swan, I will miss you terribly, definitely. But maybe just not at this point of time. Good luck, my favourite bird friend, you'll do amazing over there.

I love you so much, and my love for you, unlike my tears, isn't something that should be doubted. 

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