Of Introversion

Monday, May 5, 2014

Every day, I find myself understanding myself a little bit more.

It's crazy, how we sometimes fault others for "changing" and not staying the same they used to be in the past, well not directly - but must I admit I blame others, albeit secretly for morphing into a different person. The thing is, I am constantly changing as well, with every passing event, which every small external force that acts upon me, making me stronger, more vulnerable, or even to the point of changing my values.

Or perhaps, I didn't change at all - perhaps no one really did. I probably just learnt to understand myself a bit more, or found out something about another person which has always been there, but I just didn't notice. Well, I guess that's something we wouldn't really know - whether it's a matter of nature or nurture but no - this isn't going to end up as a philosophical argument.

The thing is, today I realized that one of the most deeply entrenched idea I have about myself in actual fact, isn't really true. And that's extroversion. It's just an ideal I wanted myself to be ever since I was young and forced myself to follow that personality mould but to be entirely honest, it's not really me at all. It's insane, why did I bother to force fit myself into something I wasn't when I could be better off accepting myself for who I am and working on those things?

It's funny, because I constantly give people the impression that I'm outspoken but upon closer observation, I'm actually not. I'm just pretty loud and well, I suppose I'm not really afraid of speaking in public with proper preparation - give me an impromptu speech task and I'd do really badly (as I did last year on the countless times I had to speak on my feet in front of people) But that really doesn't mean anything so, while I end up drawing attention from people, I don't actually enjoy interacting with people. It's so difficult to sustain proper conversations and having to interact with other human beings sucks energy off me - instead of thriving from it, as extroverts do.

I admit, I do enjoy taking charge naturally because I find myself to be responsible and I trust myself the most (which is really quite a selfish mindset but I suppose that's really what I think and there's no point hiding it). I assume people do link me to the sort that takes on leadership roles but I suppose leaders aren't limited to the sphere of extroverts. Indeed, I must confess, for countless personality tests I've been taking over the years, I choose answers that will lead to my result saying that I'm an extrovert because in truth, I admire extroverts - for their enthusiasm and ability to influence the masses.

I'd never think I'd say this but I starting to believe that I'm inherently an introvert, not even an ambivert (essentially someone who has both introvert and extrovert qualities). Really, I've come to realize that all my hobbies focus on solitude - reading, writing, painting, photography, and just doing things alone. Taking walks in a park or even shopping; I enjoy all these leisure activities a lot more when I'm alone, without a need to interact with others. I admit I used to think it was "loner" to do things like this and I cared about what people think, which resulted in me having to rely on interacting with others to fill these voids - not that it made me happy - but as I grew older, I've found that there is honestly so much joy in doing things alone and I don't ever feel lonely. There is a certain excitement in embarking on something in solitude and solely having full control of what you're doing.

Upon reading the Wikipedia description of introverts, I can fully come to terms with most of what is written and somehow, coming to this conclusion brings me a certain sense of peace and contentment in a way. The more I understand myself, the easier it'll be to make decisions and it's also sort of liberating, not having to force myself into certain actions people expect of me because it's only if I come to terms with who I really am, will I truly be happy :-)

At this point in time, I am fairly overwhelmed and I have no idea what exactly I just wrote. But I'll post this anyway because I do hope that perhaps someone, out there, who is just as confused as I am, will seek clarity from this and can find himself/ herself as well because understanding oneself is of utmost importance in living to the fullest, in my humble opinion.

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