A Work in Progress

Friday, December 5, 2014

The first week of chapter 12 of 12 is almost over, and that to me, is insanely terrifying. Usually at this time of the year, I would be slowing down my pace and taking a very relaxed attitude, doing the things I love and getting myself in the mood of festivities with Christmas shopping, Christmas baking and other leisurely activities.

This year, it seems a lot different though. I feel engulfed with thoughts and emotions, things about myself that I've yet to find peace with. There are still some things that are unsettling - while they aren't distressing me, I can do a lot better without them. Every day though, I find myself understanding myself a bit better and I am ever so thankful for that because honestly I think one of the most difficult people one has to come to terms with would be themselves. Within us, there's just so many conflicting opinions and I question my own motivations way too often, while seeing the best in others. 

Recently, I found the perfect way to describe one aspect of myself - and that would be the way in which I handle my emotions. I've realized that I'm a person who externalizes superficial emotions in a very excessive manner, such as laughing a lot at the slightest of things, or bawling while watching a cartoon movie simply because I thought that the protagonist was brave, and things like that. However, I internalize so much of my real feelings and thoughts, choosing to keep things to myself and trying to hide it when I feel upset, hurt or disappointed. I don't do it very well sometimes though, especially when I'm tired and end up being this person who looks upset but not wanting to share at all, which is always a turn-off. 

And I happen to think that is exactly what makes it so difficult to be my friend, or rather a close friend. Friends share laughter, which I am completely in the best position to offer, while close friends share happy things but also pain and hurt and more often than not, I am unwilling to divulge those parts of myself to others, which just makes it so hard for people to reach out and show care that genuinely helps, and I feel so bad because some do try but the problem lies with me, not them. I happen to think that some of the people who consider me their good friend don't actually know a lot about me. With this knowledge of myself, I find it easier to understand some of the things that have occurred over the course of this year and undeniably has shaped me. I'm not sure if I can change this particular aspect of me though, and it makes me feel slightly saddened to know that my friendship with people will continually remain on a stagnant level until I am prepared to externalize more of myself. 

I feel like this particular trait of mine has also caused many people to think that I am someone who is easy-going due to the fact that I usually laugh things off and try not to show it when I get upset or hurt by something. While I would love to pretend that I possess that quality, it takes a lot of patience and understanding to be someone like that and I must admit that I get hurt and annoyed by things fairly easily. It truly irks me how some people can just say things without first putting some thought into it, to see if it'll actually hurt the person they are talking about, and recently I see more and more people like that, somehow directing passing comments they probably say in jest, toward me, thinking that it's funny. While I don't show it, and just laugh it off or respond with something witty that attempts to hide a lot of pain and the resulting thoughts that stem from what they say, it affects me in more ways that they will ever know. I internalize a lot of such instances, and it can haunt me. 

But that's just me, and that's how I deal with my emotions. I guess my point really is that I hope that people will understand that I am human, and I feel for things and myself too no matter how cold or superficially emotional I appear to be. I'm honestly sick and tired of some of the ways in which people see me as. I would just like to say though, that I still find myself extremely blessed and thankful because that is a small minority, though I do know that there is still so much work to be done on my own, to open myself up and allow more people I trust to enter my life. It is and will always be a work in progress, though I hope to face less and less of such issues, especially as we near the end of the year. 

No comments

Post a Comment