Thursday, May 28, 2015

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As kids, we had big dreams, big ambitions. 

We wanted to do great things, we wanted to become famous. We had multiple answers to the question "so, what do you want to be when you grow up?" The possibilities were seemingly endless, and every single time we heard a new story or found a new source of inspiration, we aspired to take on another role. Reality was never present to tell us that there were things we couldn't achieve. We dreamt, we believed, and we had unconditional faith that the world will be kind to us, and that dreams will come true, as they did in every tale we were exposed to. 

And as we grew older - no - it's not that we now lack ambition. 

I believe that we've still got it - we've still got those same big dreams. At least for me, there's still so many things I hope to accomplish in the future and I'm still constantly inspired by the amazing people I read about and encounter. Save for dreaming about becoming a princess, that ambition and spirit I used to have still exists... somewhere within me. The only difference is that I now realize that I don't have much time to make the decision that'll lead me to the next chapter of my life anymore, and that this lack of time will also become a limiting factor in the choices I get to choose from when I make my decision eventually. 

It's insane, because for the past 5 years or so, I've been so sheltered, so protected, and I never had to make major decisions that would drastically change the direction my life heads towards. In hindsight, even in primary school, the decision I had to make wasn't all that difficult mostly because at that point in time I had a clear goal in mind, and was blessed enough to attain it. I barely have anything in mind right now. This crazy situation people call "growing-up" really isn't something particularly enjoyable at this point in time but I think it's really all just solely because of the uncertainty that surrounds it. And when all that's settled, I think I'll be quite excited at the prospect of pursuing higher education (of which I'm hoping and looking forward to be really active in, no matter what course/ school I may end up in because my plan of actively attempting to be passive in junior college did not really work for out my personality). 

Honestly, there are a few courses in university that I'm interested to study, but they aren't conventionally "prestigious" and I'm not exactly looking to go abroad to receive education as well. It's quite strange because personally I'm okay with such an arrangement but because of where I'm from, I feel like there is a lot more pressure to fulfill what others expect of me and I think a part of me fears of what others may think of me as well, which is an unhealthy thought that mightn't even be true but I can't help it. My parents also seem to have this warped idea that being in Raffles means that I'll more or less be secure because even the worst ones here will "do well compared to other schools" but that is not the case... at all. It was merely my PSLE score that got me here, crazy things happened to my brain in the years that followed. I hope they'll get over it though, and I know they will, eventually.

Don't get me wrong - I've in fact very happily come to terms with my lack of academic prowess because I am a strong believer that how well I do for examinations isn't a true reflection of who I am as a person, my abilities or how well I'll do in the future. Perhaps it's childlike naivety, or perhaps it's hope. For now, I'm choosing to believe it's the latter, though I think there's nothing wrong with holding on to that little childlike wonder in us. 

Two months back, on the Saturday of the weekend right before my Common Test examinations, I made the crazy decision to spend my day at Universal Studios with Mama Yap and it was lovely. The highlight though, was definitely the Sesame Street live show they staged where I saw my favourite monsters come to life right in front of me (kindergarten Li Yin would have been so very, very happy - actually, even 18 year old Li Yin felt pretty darn at home). The production was very aptly about careers and ambitions, titled "When I Grow Up" and as the characters broke into song and dance about the various jobs they wanted to be, I found myself in tears. It just felt so surreal having the characters that played such a huge role in my childhood (I never missed an episode of Sesame Street!) address such a topic a good 12 years later when I was at the time of my life standing right at that crossroad. 

Of course, I am aware that nothing is set in stone. What I study in university, perhaps, won't really determine what I do in future especially in hindsight. But at this point in time, it makes a difference and I'm hoping to make it count and get myself all sorted out as soon as I can. :-) 

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Hi, again

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

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It's been way too long since I last updated this space and it's honestly quite upsetting because after maintaining it for more than six years now, I wouldn't want it to let it "die". 

So hi, I'm back again, for now. 

I suppose the easiest excuse would be to blame my absence on the looming A Level examinations which I'll be taking in a couple of months, and preparation for it is taking up most of my time. But that's not good enough a reason for myself. More than anything, this is the year that I would probably want to remember the most - the little happy moments and most definitely the painful and stressful ones. I would love so badly to look back on the thoughts I had as I trudged through this journey, perhaps in a few years time and hopefully in hindsight, everything will be well worth it. 

But sigh. Rather than writing blog posts that include my own personal opinions, memories of these moments have been reduced to little squares of photographs on Instagram instead and apart from the visual, there isn't much to them - they merely act as a reminder of a certain event and its significance is lost. Sure, it's better than nothing, but I do wish I could pen down my thoughts more frequently. My brain seems to be degenerating and I don't seem to be thinking about things that actually do matter anymore, or really, about anything that all. 

And that worries me, and it's bad so I'm trying to make a come back and I'm determined to update this space more often. I don't exactly care if anyone reads it, this is for myself, this is an archive of my life and I'll be keeping it alive :-)

So yes, hi. I'll be back soon. 
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