Thursday, October 30, 2014

throwback to halloween in RG last year :'') 

To date, I have had two people tell me that "Juju", in West Africa means witchcraft, and well I suppose witchcraft is kind of cool - I've seen it feature in some of my favourite childhood stories such as those of Enid Blyton's - but in this case, this sort of witchcraft, or "Juju" is apparently done without good intentions. It's harmful, it's evil.

And maybe that's why I unconsciously adopted the nickname - because that's exactly what I am, innately deep down inside. I'm harmful to everyone that's entered my life. It seems kind of like magic, some kind of witchcraft I practice that I'm not even aware of, that everyone that enters my life and has actually made me emotionally attached to them, leaves me. And I feel like I've harmed them someway or another. It's as if I hold a big sign saying "temporary friendship here" and in a sense, I've asked for all of this. I am a naturally detached person, I am kind only when I make a conscious effort to do so - nothing comes from within, nothing comes from my heart, but I must say that when I do invest myself emotionally into something, I don't show it either and so it's difficult to tell if I value people or not, and that's probably why I've had all these people walk out of my life time and time again.

I have a guy friend who told me directly last year, "I know you won't stay anyway" when in my opinion, at that time, we had such a comfortable friendship. The notion sounded ridiculous at that point in time, but he was right. I didn't. We drifted apart and while we're still friends now, we're definitely not as close anymore. Maybe it wasn't my fault, yet there is so much truth in what he said - and his judgement is usually right. I have a tendency to let go of friendships and people who are important to me - do I just not bother anymore? Maybe I don't at the start - I know for sure that things like that hurt me, that it leaves a gaping hole in myself, that there's a sinking feeling every time I think about how things were - but at a point in time, I just stop trying and yes, perhaps I just don't bother anymore.

But I'll never forget.

Sometimes I wish I had short term memory, or that my brain capacity for academics and that for life memories exchange themselves but perhaps it's because it isn't my brain that remembers such stuff, it's more of my heart that can't forget the pain it's been through and there's a wound there that never closes up. As much as I appear detached most of the time, I can actually feel things and as much as I appear to be outwardly channeling happiness, I can feel a myriad of emotions, including loss, emptiness and pain, all of which I am feeling extremely strongly at the moment.

Maybe I really need to engage in witchcraft.

No comments

Post a Comment