3.44am Musings

Friday, August 29, 2014

It has been a horrible, horrible week. The vibes I get from everyone, everywhere has just been of fatigue and stress and emotional pain. In school, the number of people studying has significantly risen but it still does appear like everyone's alright and there's no shortage of smiles and laughter going around but beneath those masks, is pressure, from so many external factors - the pressure to do well, to fulfill expectations. Even on the MRT on the way home, I see unkindness, of people not giving way, people pushing just to get on, to head home as fast as possible, to just get a little bit more rest, only to wake up the next morning to go through the same cycle all over again.

All over again.

And sometimes it's just so incredibly difficult to repel all the negative vibes given off by everyone. It affects me so much and I hate it.

Truth be told, this week hasn't been all that bad - thinking back I've actually had little pockets of happiness and that's something I'm incredibly thankful about - but my perception of things has been warped recently. I've been irrational, I haven't been able to think in a logical way and I find it harder to concentrate because my mind keeps floating to that - that very thing.

I've never felt this way before, and I am stunned at the extent by which how this very emotion can take over one's mind. Maybe it's not even my mind anymore - I don't feel like I'm using my brain nowadays, it's all to do with my emotions and feelings and I'm not experienced in this aspect at all. I'm so used to contain whatever, anything I felt by laughing, to laugh everything negative or embarrassing or painful that I was experiencing off but it's getting increasingly more difficult to do that.

I think myself an intelligent person at times, but now I'm just so, so, so stupid. I told myself that I should never, ever allow myself to feel like that but it just came and engulfed me without giving me time to react to it. It makes me so dependent on something I could possibly never get and I don't even know how long it could take for me to recover from this. And I don't think anyone can help me except myself.


I am so angry. And sad. And some other feeling I've never felt before, and it doesn't feel good at all. And I have no idea what to do with all these emotions.

It is 3.44am now, I can't sleep; my thoughts are illogical and irrational and perhaps I shouldn't be taken seriously. No one should be allowed to think after a certain time - it just creates confusion and excessive overthinking. I feel like crying so badly but I can't seem to let anything go - I'm just staring straight into my computer screen and my fingers are the only parts of my body in motion.


Ugh, I hate this nonsense. Li Yin, stop being dumb and foolish. Go to sleep, it's a temporary escape from having to deal with all these.

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