Friday, August 23, 2013

"Your results right now don't really inspire any confidence."

Indeed, I know that. But does that give you the liberty to make such... disgusting notions on how I'd be doing in future? Apparently so, according to the warped logics certain people hold. With just a seemingly harmless question, though fairly abrupt, my brother asked "So, will you meet her JC teachers next year?" directing it to my mum over the dinner table. 

We were on the topic of school and teachers, which is probably one of the most frequently discussed topics of the century here in the Yap's family household. As strange as the question might have been, I didn't really think much about it till I heard her response. 

"Yes, of course la! I will want to know how she's doing."

Alright, so she cares about me. Tha's very nice indeed. 

"They'll probably ask me to go what. She won't be doing well!"


Wait, what? 

That's one step too far, isn't it? In fact, it's one step ahead. So, it seems like my mum already knows how I'll be doing in JC academically before I even step foot into that institution. Before I even take any exams in JC. Worse, before I even take my Year Four end of year exams (which is already causing me a great deal of stress on it's own.) I'm pretty sure my psychic genes didn't come from her. 

The anger within me practically heated up as soon as I heard that. To be perfectly honest, I was already quite annoyed a few minutes before dinner because she was cooing about how great my brother was at writing. Jealously probably played an important role in this - afterall, he's already amazing in science and I believe I should be the one good at writing but NO he is stealing it all because he is just that perfect. That aside though, I know that my brother is actually really good at whatever he does and that's why I didn't bother to get myself angry about the incessant praise she showered him with because in hindsight, he deserves it. However, when coupled with the passing remark she just made, I couldn't control myself any longer. Hot tears began welling up in my eyes, "I can't believe you just said that!"

Visibly taken aback by my sudden outburst, the remark that she made probably didn't mean much to her and it was evident that she didn't think it through before they found their way out of her mouth so blatantly. Then again, due to the mere fact that she didn't think about it made it so much more real and honest. It was what she genuinely felt about her own daughter and it wasn't even an idea that she would consider sugar-coating. Pausing, perhaps already forgetting what she just said, I didn't wait for her next reply. I couldn't continue eating anymore. I just couldn't. 

I don't care if you're angry or disappointed or upset when I don't do well in school. That's justified and I understand where you're coming from. It hurts even more for me, failing to meet not just the expectations set down for me but also the expectations set down by myself - trust me, nothing good comes out from that. But I grit my teeth and continue working hard to prove myself that I'm good enough and more importantly, to make you proud and happy to have me as your daughter. I try to be the best I can be in areas which my brother has not achieved anything for because I know that I can never ever be as good as him and you know that too. Recently, when you met our kindergarten teacher, you told her how brilliant he is followed by how "Li Yin is not as good". Yes, I laughed when you related the conversation to me, jokingly acting like I was angry but deep down, it wasn't an act at all. More than anger, I felt discouraged, heartbroken and torn. I try my best to close my eyes and ignore all of it, living under the shadows of him, because he is definitely better than me and I fully acknowledge that fact. Being second tier works for me and as much as I question why, I blame only myself for being this untalented. 

However, if you assume certain things and pass judgement so quickly about something means a whole load to me, I simply can't accept it or take it lying down. Why would you be so sure that I'm going to do badly? Supporting your claim with case studies of your colleagues' daughters who do badly in JC does not make it any more substantiated or believable. It is incredibly hurtful to know that someone, someone who should be the one who has faith in you the most has in fact, so many doubts about you and how you would perform. 

Getting mad at my outburst and not being the least empathetic, she proceeded to say "Okay, next time when you get bad results I will praise you! That's what you want, right?"

No! No no no no no. That's not what I want at all and you are not even getting the crux of the situation. It is so difficult to explain things to you because you never ever understand what I'm saying or be patient enough to hear me out. Just because I am not proficient in relating my thoughts verbally doesn't mean I don't have any. It feels terrible knowing I am not good enough but trust me, it feels even worse knowing that no one believes that you can one day be good enough. 

"Your results right now don't really inspire any confidence."

Indeed, it doesn't. But if you don't even have the slightest bit of confidence in me, there is no way I'd have that in myself. And I will constantly remain this flawed being you have produced and you'll just have to bear with me. I'm sorry. 

There is so much negativity in this post and I absolutely hate it :-( I'm extremely sorry but I truly couldn't hold it in any longer after what happened during dinner earlier today. I will get over this eventually though and all will be fine :-) At the moment, all I should be concerned about would be the looming end of year exams. Even if no one believes in me, I will try my best to believe in myself :-) Jiayou Li Yin and all my batchmates! We can do this, it's really the last lap. 

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