0608'11

Yes , I know I should be contended with who I am at this age .

But just because I'm in RGS doesn't mean anything .

No one really understands me ,

my parents think that I'm happy just because they provide me with everything I need [yes , I'm not denying that and have no need to deny it anyway] , and because I always appear very cheerful , I'm not one who cuts her wrist or does anything like that .

my friends think I'm the craziest & happiest person just because I appear very happy , always bursting into random fits of laughter , and I don't think I'm someone whom people despise very much . might not be true , just an intuition , but yeah .

On the outside , I appear to be someone who's contended with her life , who is living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment of it .

However ,

my life sucks . big time .

I broke down while on the piano today . It was horrible , I felt horrible .

I couldn't reach the chords that required my hands to stretch so much , and my fingers , being naturally short , couldn't reach them . I was exasperated . Time was running out and I have yet to master all three songs .

I felt worthless and just horrible . I was a failure .

10 years of piano playing and this was my standard . 10 years of money which my parents wasted on those not-cheap piano lessons .

I don't like to make my parents sad or angry . I don't like to make them feel disappointed . I hate it . But what can I do ? I am a worthless person . I am horrid .

I practically vented my anger and frustration on those musical notes . Well , my piano teacher would be proud of me . Cos that's truly "playing with expression" .

I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL GRADE EIGHT .

even if I'm the worst piano player of the century .

ohmygosh i keep telling myself that but what am i doing to make that happen ? nothing .

oh screw my life . I don't want to be the person people expect me to be .

and this doesn't only apply to piano .

oh freak this doesn't sound like me .

but ah well . it's the me people don't know . i don't sound like the me people know .

Yeah I know , soon I will be back and like perhaps tomorrow I'll have a new post saying how happy I am and stuff .

oh seriously what's wrong with me ?

shall practice piano now .